I did it! I completed Week 1 of the "Couch to 5k" program today!
I was really dreading going and wanting to nap but some good Twitter friends give me a swift Twit-kick in the pants and I got out there and finished. I felt great.
Couple things are on my mind.
1) I have yet to break 240's. I'm still at 242 today, which is what I weighed on Tuesday. I can't figure it out. It could be the activity? Too much salt? I noticed I've been craving sodium like crazy and find myself adding mustard to the weirdest of things. What's up with that? So I'm going to try to reduce salt/sodium intake next week and see what happens. Or maybe I'll see a drop come Tuesday at weigh-in? We'll see... I just want to be back in my 230's... and then chip away there. This is where I start to get discouraged. When I don't see weight coming off that quickly. I know- I KNOW... wrong thinking. But when I look at some of you all out there and your monthly losses, you are losing way more than 4lbs in a month. That's where I'm at right now. Granted, I gained 2 with Christmas. Still. Humph. Gotta kick this thinking in the butt and just press through. I know this is "wrong thinking"... I need to take these thoughts captive... and just keep tracking, keep moving, keep going...
2) I'm still struggling with embarrassment of self. It's a weird thing. If you are already my friend in real life; I am pretty okay with you seeing me, etc. The exceptions is visiting family every few months because I feel they may be thinking, "She's gained weight." or "She still hasn't lost anything" etc. Even so, I don't stay away from them. Then again, I'm embarrassingly way TOO aware of myself in crowds, at work, with friends, etc. There's this tiny voice in the back of my head always, ALWAYS making me think of my overweight body. ALWAYS. I hate that about myself. I don't want to be so caught up in self-centerdness (even the negative kind) that I can't enjoy people or life.
I'm faced once again with a very unhealthy habit: shame and hiding.
I have two guy friends that both want to see me/hang out with me. One is an old high school friend that hasn't seen me in over 12 years. He's seen pictures on Facebook but I'm pretty good about not showing pictures of myself, especially full body ones, etc.He just wants to catch up and hang out. We've been talking the last several years about getting together, but I basically chickened out every time. It's not that he was pursuing me or anything like that, but I just had this shame about my looks, my body, etc. This is my biggest struggle: this fear & shame. And so I moved from our hometown without seeing him... and he's asked every time I go home to visit if we can meet up. And I always, ALWAYS back out. ALWAYS. I finally told him through chatting online why not long ago and he was REALLY, REALLY upset. He took offense in a way I didn't think he would. He basically said, "Veronica, do you think me THAT shallow? Seriously?? What kind of guy do you think I am? I can't believe you would think I would judge you or not like you because of your body!"
I was stunned silent. And then cried. And then apologized. But I still haven't seen him and was just home all of November.
This stupid weight.
This stupid shame.
This stupid insecurity!
I want it GONE this 2011!!!
Now, an old college friend of mine got in touch with me Christmas morning. He's the other guy. He reached out because of a rough patch he hit and said he knew I was a person of faith. I'm grateful for the opportunity to encourage him in faith, etc, but I'm always careful with guys, etc. He's moving a block from my current office/headquarters this week and wants to hang out. He actually talked me into joining a community band with him. (We were both focused on music in college when we met.) And while I'm excited about that - I don't want him to see me. Do you hear me? Even typing that stirs all this emotion in me.... I DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME. EVerything in me wants to cry even thinking about it... Yes, he's a very handsome man, very fit, chiseled face/body- - ALWAYS has been - but I don't have feelings for him. It's just that... I guess the shame says, "Even if you did, he's going to think you're a cow. Why would this fit, former Marine, handsome guy want to be friends with a COW like you? You're going to look disgusting next to him. You're going to end up being the "chubby best friend" again and see how men like him like thin, beautiful girls."
It's crazy how the head works. I went from not having any feelings to this guy to jumping forward and going through all the "What if's" etc... We women are so complicated - or at least I am.
SO. Why do I mention all this?
Today, while walk/jogging my interverals, I could have SWORN that this second guy (from college) was jogging in the same park. Which wouldn't surprise me because he's training for a marathon at the same race I'm training for. Except I'm doing a 5k. He's going for the full. And so... I'm pretty sure it was him. Pretty certain. And if I had been at least 30lbs lighter, I would have stopped and shouted his name out... I would have let him know it was me... But all I could think was, "Don't make eye contact... Is it him? Oh gosh... Does he recognize me? He keeps looking over here... Oh man, I think it IS him... I look awful! I'm so embarrassed... He has to know it's me... Is it him? I think it's him... He knows it's me and he's not trying to say hi.. he's probably stunned speechless with how much I've gained over the years... IF it's him... yes, it has to be him... Oh I just want to crawl in a hole... Please don't let it be him..."
And so was it him? I have no idea. I still think it was. I really do. But there's not one part of me that wants to text him, call him or Facebook and ask if he was running that trail today... Which is retarded because we're bound to see each other for lunch soon. I can't just bail on this guy when he needs a friend because I'm ashamed of my weight and looks... But I want to and I know I'm going to try everything I can to do so...
THIS is the stuff I want to lose. MOre than the lbs, more than the weight.. I want to lose THIS type of attitude; this fear; this shame... Because it seeps into EVERYTHING I do. My work, my social life, my family life, my leisure...
I want to be freed of all the above this 2011.
I so relate to this; I have been using the upcoming(2012) high school reunion as a motivator because I am too afraid to see anyone. I have been really trying to focus on making myself feel beautiful in ways beyond my weight, ie manicures, fun makeup, great accessories, because I realized that I had let myself go; I had stopped using makeup or dressing nice because I felt like, "What's the point? No matter how cute my dress is, I'm still fat. A cute dress doesn't make me skinny. It just makes me a fat girl in a cute dress."
ReplyDeleteBut now I see that just the simple act of treating myself AS IF I already am where I want to be, like I AM worth it, raises my own feelings of self-worth, which makes me (for some reason) feel WAY less self-conscious. I can't explain it; it doesn't make sense at all, beyond the corny drivel that psychologists try to tell you (you have to accept yourself, blah blah blah). But it seems like maybe they are onto something.
I don't know if you take care of yourself now, how often you wear eyeliner, use scented lotion, or get manicures, or how often you shave your legs despite the fact that nobody will see them, but lemme tell you...doing more of it won't hurt.
Vero, That kind of shame is the worst part of being overweight, I think. And most of us have felt or do feel exactly the way you describe.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, I was thinking about that yesterday and today. Because of the holidays, I ran into some people I don't usually see. And they were overweight--one by about 40 punds andone by about 150.
And after talking to each of the (on different occasions)for a bit, it occurred to me that their weight had nothing to do with how I felt about them. It did not affect my pleasure in seeing them or my interest in how they were.
I registered their weight, of course, because that is what I do. You know, I scan the room and register who is fat and who is thin...and if I'm the fattest one in the room. sigh.
But other than regering that they were overweight, their weight had no presence at all.
I found that realization to be amazing. All of these years, all I thought people saw when they looked at me was a fat woman. And maybe they did. But I bet when we talked or worked together, the weight was as inconsequential as it was for me with my friends.
It's all in our minds, Vero. (Well, okay, and on our hips, too, butyou know what I mean.) People are much less aware of our weight than we are.
It is that self-consciousness that God is going to set us free from. He is.
Deb
Wow thank you for sharing how you feel. I am totally with you. I know that I have avoided meeting up with new people or doing new things and it's all because my weight holds me back. I feel ashamed and feel like they will judge me which is so wrong. And it's all on me.
ReplyDeleteThese two men already know you and in a way while you don't want to be judged by your looks, you too are judging them by letting your fears prevent them from meeting up with you. You are thinking that they are superficial and once they meet up with you they won't want to see you anymore. If that's the case, then it's their loss. But it's probably the opposite and you are missing out on two potential friendships.
I know it's hard to do something when you feel ashamed of yourself but you are doing something about it now with your weight loss and exercise. Remember that you are worth it!
I have often felt the same way as you about seeing new people or people I have not seen in a long time. I have been putting off a trip with some friends for 4 years because I have gained 50 pounds since I have seen them. It is straining me and our friendship, so I decided enough was enough. I am not hiding behind this body and weight issues anymore.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to get past our body image issues, but it is so important. I am sure as you continue on your journey you will develop into your best self and feel proud to show off your new body. Until then, don't beat yourself up about how you are now too much. If they are your friends they won't judge you and will accept you no matter what.
Thanks, Natasha, Deb, Marisol & Girly Girl for your comments! Tash, I left you a comment on your blog, which I LOVE by the way! Just so you all know - I am pretty girly for the most part. I won't leave the house without doing my hair & make-up etc. I don't have a lot to work with but what I do have, I work, LOL
ReplyDeleteDeb, your comments reminded me of Beth Moore's book "So Long Insecurity" which I also thought of while writing out this post. Have you read it? I absolutely love it but didn't finish it. I think I need to restart it and do the whole book. I remember coming to repentance in realizing that there was an idolatry of self, even if a negative one.
Marisol, you rock. Thanks, girl.
And my fellow Girly Girl: that's what I hate the most of it... it does put strains on friendships and it steals life. I hardly have ANY Pictures of myself. In my line of work, I try to send out pictures to people to keep them updated of my work but often, I'm not in them. I hate that about myself. Thanks for the words of encouragement. In time I think both spiritually I'll be in a better place about my struggle and physically/emotionally Iwill feel better... Just gotta press through, right? Right!
I hate these feelings. In October i had to go see my boyfriends family with him. They had not seen me in almost a year and i had gained at least 30 lbs since they last saw me. I was so nervous. Of course nobody said anything, and after i got there i was just happy to see them and they were to see me. I was nervous for nothing. But i completely get it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the right words to say to you to take that all away from you. All I can come up with is - Dig Deep - know that the weight does not define who you are unless you let it. What I mean by that is if you don't allow yourself to experience certain things or meet certain people, the weight has won. It allows you to continue to hide. You deserve to be free of that - in letting go of that anxiety, that fear, that shame - you can just be you taking on the world day by day. It has become a burden weighing you down. Fight it! You can do it! =)
ReplyDelete